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Healing Rhythms

Being Bullyed For Being Too Shy

by Wendy
(Phoenix, AZ)

I had a lot of jobs in my life and I do admit that I am a bit quiet at work, mostly because I try very hard to stay away from negativity in the workplace. I been told that shy people like myself can be confusing to read, but I don't think that's an excuse for wrong treatment of any kind. I currently work at a insurance company as a image processor, I am responsible for scanning documents. Most of my co-workers in the office are friendly with each other and everyone seem to get along well with each other. Everyone except me.

I come to work eveyday, sit down and do my job and I don't bother anyone, but I negative comment said about me behind my back and dirty looks for no reason at all. One of the Unit Manager had said to another co-worker that I looked like a ugly actress on tv and I over heard that co-worker singing the theme sing from the tv show that she was on. I took it as her mocking me. Mocking is something that happenens to me on a daily basis. Every little body gesture I do, I see my co-workers mocking me over it. This might not be a big thing to someone else, but it is very hurtful to me.

Now I am having a problem with another co-worker, she saw me taking my break alone and now she's telling everyone that I am a "loner". And another one of my co-workers ask me if I was going to go "postal" because I am quiet. This was very insulting and hurtful.

I only been at this job for 8 months and all of these things are happening to me. I get nervous on Sunday nights because I think about going to work the next morning. It's getting to the point where everyday I don't know what to expect.

I do need some advice, please anyone if you have any advice tell me what to do.




Comments for
Being Bullyed For Being Too Shy

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Bulled for Being Too Shy
by: Anonymous

No one can tell any one else what to do. The best any of us can do who have been bullied is to develop a support network and share our own experiences and others will elect to use what fits their need. I am a loner, too. I always have been and always will be. I like THINK about ideas and problem solve, and that takes time alone. Thanks to much therapy, I can now also interact well with others; I have been very selective and avoid "red flag people." It is not important to me to win a popularity contest but rather find a few emotionally healthy, reasonable people who have a conscience and passion to live a worthwhile life. Over the years I have learned courage to speak up and express my feelings, ideas and opinions to that selected group of real friends. It helps me keep perspective when I deliberately avoid a bully--they never has a broad view of life and that makes them dangerous to me. They are always after another target, not to make the world a kinder, gentler place. Nothing stays the same, and eventually your problem, too, will change. You can't change the bullies, but you can change where you work, albeit it is difficult in this job market to make a move. It takes inordinate patience for the targets of bullying in this job market. Out of frustration I started writing a local newsletter that educates area people about the problems we have because we elect bullies to public office, and they have ruined our communities. (Be careful how you use names, if at all, as they are bound to retaliate--I went to jail.) When young children tell me that what those "bad people" did to destroy our historic buildings and say, "It is just so dumb. Why would they do that to our town? It is dumb." then I know my printed message is getting through! One helpful idea might be if Anton added a daily list serve so that targets could communicate with one another quickly and easily, especially during crises attacks when we are most alone.
I'm Sorry
by: Mother of an Angel

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope that you will always keep in mind that it isn't you that is bringing on this behavior, but the third grade mentality of some of your coworkers.

I can't give you advice, as I don't have the answers to bullying. I wish I did. I guess, if it had been me, I would have just looked them right in the eye and said "that's rather hurtful", but who knows? Since it was obviously meant to be hurtful, maybe that would just spur them on.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Dear Shy,
by: Anonymous

I can honestly say that I feel your pain and suffering. I went through the exact things you describe.
I too am a shy/quiet person, and I am not agressive, but I do take a stand for what I believe to be right, and when I say "right", I don't mean right in the moral sense.
What you describe is very typical for bullied targets/victims, this site and others are an excellent place for information and confirmation that what you are experiencing is an unfortunate reality in our workplace culture.
The only advice I would give, is that you should listen to your instincts and your intuitions, because they are usually correct, and too trust yourself.
I know that when this is happening its very difficult to be objective, but you are the only one who knows the real you, and bullies seek out sensitive souls to destroy, you just happen to be in their path at the moment, once one is targeted, the writing is on the wall.
I know from experience that ignoring bully doesn't work, and fighting back is out of the question. For me, I just tried to remain as neutral as possible and avoid the bully at all costs, because my mental and physical being were taking a beating.
One might say I was being submissive, but until one experiences being bullied, they cannot know how devastating being bullied is.
After four years of abuse, I resigned, for me it was the only option. Resignation has been a very expensive decision, but selling out and destroying my mental and physical well being was not worth the abuse.
Bullies do not care one iota about you, because you represent everything they would like to be, but will never understand what being genuine and not imposing your beliefs on others is.
Instead they destroy the thing they envy and can't control, genuiness.
Bullies are weak mentally and psychologigally, and abuse is the only thing they understand, its really sociopathic, and is condoned in workplace culture.
There are places to work where people treat each other with respect and civility, it may take awhile to find, but its worth the trouble.
No one deserves to be abused at work or at home.
Bullying is wrong.
Unemployed and Long Term Sick
by: Anonymous

I know how you feel, I was bullied and harassed at work from the age of 16-25, in a food factory. Because I'm a shy man, quiet and don't mix much.

The men and women at the factory in many varied work departments, would make fun of me all the time, making Homophobic remarks, pedophilia remarks and rumor spreading all day long. As is always the case with the victims, the rumors where untrue, but hurtful. My life was a misery from day to day.

In the end I had to leave, I developed Social phobia, severe depression, anxiety disorder, low self esteem etc. I haven't worked for 12 years, receiving medication and Disability Living Allowance, which is a state benefit here in the UK. I received no law compensation because nobody would defend me in the tribunal.

Over the years I have received lots of therapy which has not helped me in anyway. The reasons being, I'm used like a doormat in general by people in my daily life anyway, even my own family bully me.

So my general advise to you is, leave your workplace, because they will continue until they grind you into the ground and I wouldn't won't you to get any mental health problems, like main.
Don't apologize for being quiet
by: Anonymous

Not a thing wrong with being quiet. Such a refreshing thing after all the bigmouths we encounter. Even if you are quiet, its no crime. And people making fun of you for being quiet are the same kind who would kick a dead dog. You don't tease a handicapped person for being handicapped, unless you're a petty, have-no-life-of-my-own type of person. You probably threaten them and bring out the worst in them. This is NOT your fault. It is however why they continue with their monkey behavior.

I have been bullied most of my life by people who were often my inferiors in appearance, ability and moral character. I tended to be more quiet, too, but because I was pretty, I was labelled stuck up and haughty. Noone could leave me alone; they all had an opinion and wanted to get in my face. I still managed to get good jobs tho, and continue taking classes and keep up hobbies. I also jog daily and try to eat healthy. Never allow yourself to be rabble-roused or talked into hating yourself, just because some moron out there is threatened by you.

In its worst form, I went through 6 years of academic mobbing with a sociopath as its ringleader. They used incredible, unbelievable tactics. There were weeks when I thought I was going to lose my mind. I had to talk to lawyers, counselors, try anti-anxiety meds, listen to self-help CDs, you name it. I finally left; and I was lucky to leave with my sanity. They had me so snowballed and the issues so confused that I now understand completely how it is that some individuals end up taking their own lives because of such harassment. The human race can be very cruel indeed.

Having said that, here's how you get around incessant bullying. Leave that toxic workplace. Find somewhere else to work where you can find something to like about your job. It may be that the bullying will start up again. If so, you will have to decide whether management will protect you from it. Or heck, you may decide to try to learn how to stand up to the bully(s). Or you may decide that you will have to move on yet again. Who said life was fair? But rest assured, you as a bullied person are in good company and you are just as essential to the world as anyone else. As I have said in an earlier comment, bullying is a social-biological function that developed in our most primal origins. That doesn't make it less fearful or hurtful when you encounter it, it simply explains why it exists.
Re: Anonymous
by: Anonymous

First, just a small side remark to the previous post: It's kinda contradictory to say there is nothing wrong about being quiet and then compare a quiet person to a handicapped one. I know you didn't mean it in a bad way, but the way you phrased is actually saying the opposite of what you probably wanted to say. Being quiet is NOT a handicap. It's just a character trait like any other - whether it's good or bad depends on circumstances and one's personal taste.

As for Wendy's situation, that's what I would recommend:

1) Find a new job, ASAP. Believe me, it's worth the risk and effort. From my experience, once you've been tagged as the victim of mocking and bullying, it's practically impossible to recover from it in that particular enviroment. It may get a little better from time to time, but it will never fully go away. Even if you were the most extraverted, social, assertive and popular person in other areas of your life, the way those people treat you is paralyzing you and making you unable to show your real personality.

2) After leaving the job, find a group of people who like you and respect you. If you're anything like me, then your self-image has probably been distorted by the bullies. Anyone's would be if they were subjected to humiliation on a daily basis. Now you need to realize that the way the bullies perceived you has nothing to do with who you really are and how you are perceived by people in general. Even if you realize that rationally, you need encouragement and healthy relationships to stop partially believing all the bullshit that's been said about you or hinted at.

3) I know it's a terrible cliche, but try to view the whole thing as an useful experience, and take the most out of it. Sooner or later, your weaknesses may become your strengths. In my case, the darker parts of my life also often turned out to be the more rewarding ones. It just took a lot of time to see them that way.

Good luck.
Since when is not talking negative bad?
by: Quiet in West Virginia

I, like everyone on this website, am shy. I have dealt with personal jabs at my quiet demeanor ever since I can remember. You know what I say..."DEAL WITH IT!"

Just because I do not wish to subject myself to a lengthy diatribe about why somebody is the way they are and engage myself in gossip, I choose to keep to myself and listen to what they have to say or just walk away.

I'm willing to bet that while people like us were keeping quiet in school and actually listening, the morons that kept blabbering on and on while the teacher talked didn't learn a hell of a lot. These are the same people that take out their insecurities on good people, and ultimately it is God who will judge them and not they who will judge everyone else.
lets take a stand against bullying harassment
by: Anonymous

anytime your are harassed, demeaned and ridiculed on a job management should step in and stop it at once! if management is involved or ignores the abusive behavior seek an attorney because human resources rarely sides with the complaining employee and further exacerbates the problem. most companies would rather target the complaining employee instead of handling the situation. it bothers me when people say find another job because the victim will carry this stigma everywhere they go. you cannot continue to run this is something that has to be dealt with head on. everytime we run we leave the door open for someone else to face the wrath of abusive co-workers and the cycle continues. we all have different personalities and the work environment is very diverse, no-one should be abused because someone simply does not like them, this type of behavior has gone on far too long. grown people can behave very juvenile and petty and some tend to lean towards those that began rumors and run down others characters. the weak often follow psychopaths because they dont want to become the next target or they feel the need to belong as for me i would rather stand alone than to be a puppet for a ruthless, gutless, deranged human being. if an attorney says theres nothing he can do then expose the bully and the companies that keep them. we must get together, tell our stories and make a big impact through the media and by contacting our legislatures. when you get tired of crying, feeling low. feeling pain, feeling helpless. reach down and pick yourself up and fight! it is good to have forums such as this one but, united we can bring these issues to the forefront but, we must be persistent and consistent. protesting, marching, talk shows, radio, cnn, nbc, newspapers, magazines, congress.
continuing from unemployed and long term sick
by: Anonymous

Hey, unemployed and long term sick, you have something in common with long slow recovery after bullying in bank. Read it, because it goes to show we are not alone in battling health problems and personal suffering. Whats good about this website is that people are finally speaking out. Once upon a time it was kept quiet and the victim would often think he or she needed to change to please everyone else. Although some change is needed if we are going to have to make it in a cut throat working world, we need to be safe! You dont know what kind of people you are working along side, and these days many people prefer to keep to themselves without being harassed. Not enough is being done to protect victims and again its often those that dont know the law or that dont have family support behind them to see justice prevail and end up suffering the most!!!!
Elderly bully
by: Anonymous

I too am a victim of workplace bullying. I am criticised quite frequently for being too quiet! The bully in my workplace is an elderly woman in her 70's with a very vocal and nasty demeanour. On account of her age fellow workers tend to make allowances for her unacceptable comments and behaviour, so it is quite difficult to get anyone to take a stand against it. This woman seems quite normal to a degree in terms of memory, intelligence and the ability to do her job for someone of her age, but you have to wonder if there may be some cognitive deficit on account of her negative and anti-social behaviours. I intend to move on to another job in the coming months, something that I am really looking forward to.
KILL THEM
by: Anonymous

KILL THEM. LOL.
Seriously though?
8X KILL THEM. 8X
:);):)
The Mean Girls
by: Anonymous

I am also a quiet person who had suffered from varying levels of bullying in different workplaces. Just because you don't say a lot some people think it gives them the right to tear shreds from you, and they often do it in an insidious way that makes it difficult to prove if you do decide to go to management.

At the moment I'm in a job where I basically just scan documents all day, so there's no reason for me to interact with the people around me. When I'm in this situation I tend to just disappear into myself. To make it worse I sit by myself near another team that I have nothing to do with. Some of the "mean girls" in this team have taken it upon themselves to make nasty comments and jokes about me, just because I don't say much. Not one of these girls by the way has ever attempted to have a conversation with me. It really is soul destroying to be treated like this, especially when it's so pointless. Why do people who fit in and have a lot of friends at work want to make life even harder for those of us who don't?

Anyway the good news is that even if you are bullied at work, every workplace is different, and there are places out there where you will fit in. I met my partner and my best friends through work, so it hasn't all been terrible for me. At the moment I feel like I've taken a step backwards and I'm stuck in this place until I can find something else, but I'm trying to look on it as an opportunity to learn total detachment from these kinds of people. It's only when you care about what they think of you that they have any power over you, and the day that I can truly not give a damn about them and their pathetic comments then I will be free.

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