Birthday Party Bully Blues
Can you believe it? Your child is
one year older! It’s time, once again, to plan
a birthday party for your youngster!
 |
| Jim
Frech |
By Karen Kondor
On top of wanting to pick the best activity,
order the perfect cake, and ensure everyone has fun,
you are agonizing about the guest list. Do you invite
everyone from the class, or limit the number of kids?
And what should you do about that child who bullied
yours throughout the entire school year? Unfortunately,
there are no clear cut answers to that question, but
there are some things to consider that might help
make your decision a bit easier.
First, you must know that even if your child wasn’t
the direct target of a classroom bully, your child
was affected by the bully’s behavior. Standing
on the sidelines and watching a classmate be bullied
leaves children feeling powerless, scared and frustrated.
So, deciding which children to invite based on whether
or not your child was affected by the bully doesn’t
fly.
That does not necessarily mean that you should exclude
the bully, however. Depending on how long the behavior
has gone on, the severity of the behavior, and the
amount of communication you have with the bully’s
parents, it might actually be a step in the right
direction to invite the bully. Bullies need just as
much guidance and role modeling as victims, and extending
a hand to show that you care might just be a starting
point. If, on the other hand, you’ve tried this
in the past, or the bully’s behavior is more
than you can handle, you may want to keep the bully’s
name off the guest list. After all, you should be
able to enjoy your own child’s birthday party,
too!
Suppose you choose to invite the bully to
your child’s party. What steps can
you take to make the experience a good one for all
concerned? Try these ideas:
First, if you are in good communication with the
bully’s family, let them know that you want
their child to attend. However, if there are any problems
at all, you have the right to deal with them in a
way you see fit, which may involve calling the parents
and asking them to pick their child up early. Be sure
you have their cell phone and home phone numbers with
you!
Planning, preparation
and communication
are key when it comes to organizing
your child’s yearly celebration.
Second, prior to the date of the party, think back
to situations that you observed that involved the
bully. How were those situations dealt with? Could
they have been dealt with differently? If so, how?
Use the answers to these questions to put a game plan
into place: “If this happens, then I am going
to…” That way, you’re not flying
by the seat of your pants when a difficult situation
arises in the midst of ten or so screaming kids!
Finally, however you decide to deal with difficulties
that arise at the party, be fair and be firm. If you
tell the child that throwing a ball at someone’s
head is not acceptable, and you will take the ball
away if it happens again, follow through with that
consequence at the very next infraction. If you tell
the child that you will call his or her parents if
the poor behavior continues, dial the number as soon
as you notice the behavior surface again. Very often,
bullies are craving the feeling of security that comes
with structure and rules, and a lot of their behavior
is related to seeing what they can get away with.
When you put limits in place for them, and they discover
that you are firm on those limits, the likelihood
of them breaking the rules decreases over time.
What if you decide to exclude the bully from
the guest list? Again, it comes down to putting
a plan into place before the invitations are handed
out:
Be prepared for the bully’s parents to come
knocking. Chances are, they will feel that your child
is bullying theirs simply by not sending an invitation.
Make a list of the reasons you chose not to invite
the bully, and take the opportunity to be honest and
forthright with his or her parents, but not cruel.
State calmly that you thought very hard about inviting
their child; however, you had a bad experience in
the past and your child is fearful of being around
their child…whatever your reasons may be.
Talk to your child about the possibility
that the bully may retaliate. Once the bully
gets wind that they are not invited to the party,
they may take it out on your child in whatever form
of bullying they resort to, or they may resort to
a new form of bullying in the face of a new stressor.
Tell your child that if this occurs, it is not okay,
and they must ask a nearby adult for help immediately,
and report the incidents to you at the end of the
school day. Be prepared to follow up with the staff
at the school and/or the bully’s parents.
Planning, preparation and communication are key when
it comes to organizing your child’s yearly celebration.
Communication with the bakery that is making the cake
for the party is just as important as communicating
your expectations surrounding appropriate party behavior
with all party-goers and their parents. Part of your
preparation should include plans for “what-if’s”:
“What if I forget candles for the cake? What
if I invite that kid who bullies my kid? What if I
don’t invite that kid who bullies my kid?”
Having game plans in place prior to the party will
go a long way in alleviating some of the stress that
can surround children’s birthday parties, leaving
you to enjoy being a part of your child growing older.
Karen Kondor is an elementary school
teacher, and a mom to three kids, ages 12, 10 and
10. She is also the leader of Circle of Friends Bullying
Support Group. Contact her at karen@overcomebullying.org,
or through www.overcomebullying.org.
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