Bullies in General

by Emily
(Canada)

This isn't really a workplace story, I've been bullied pretty much everywhere for years. I'm just different and I guess that sets them off. I've been bullied at school, and I was bullied at camp and at birthday/slumber parties when I was a kid. I've also been bullied in random public places. I'm not really sure how this keeps happening because I'm really average in appearance. I'm even told that I'm pretty, so there's really nothing about me physically that would provoke them. But bullies are crazy so I guess they see something that I don't. Most of these bullies are people from school and friends of those people. I love drawing and fashion and have always been artsy. I also have a lot of glitches, including ADHD (the inattentive, non-hyperactive subtype), general anxiety and social anxiety, so I've always been socially awkward and very sensitive. They knew that about me when I was little, and they provoked me to the point of having serious rage attacks, where I would become this bull just wanting to trample them.

The bullying turned malicious when I was in junior high school. Prior to that I had been a fairly outgoing child, but my confidence waned when no one laughed at my jokes, put down everything I had to say, and began calling me names.

By the time I was in grade nine (about fourteen years old) my anxiety had gone through the roof and I was completely social phobic. I couldn't raise my hand in class without my heart jumping in my throat and sweating like crazy and blushing. I was silent for entire classes. It was unthinkable to bring attention to myself because that only brought on hostility. I was taunted by some girls in my gym class, and one day I was so upset for how they treated me that I completely lost it and punched a girl in the stomach, but it wasn't one of the girls who had bullied me, it turns out it was someone nice and well-liked. From then on my reputation was ruined. Now the bullies had a reason to hate me, and they continued to hate me even when I asked the girl for forgiveness and we hugged and she forgave me.

I thought they would stop by grade 12 but the same stuff kept happening, and I felt like I couldn't do anything right socially. I graduated high school but was now plagued by thoughts of suicide. I felt like nobody liked me, and I didn't even like me. I was so filled of regret for not making friends with the right people and for all the stupid things I'd done, and I was so filled with hate for how the bullies had pushed me to the outside.

It wasn't until high school ended that I was really able to see myself as someone I didn't hate, and that I was able confront my problems. I now take Cipralex to control my anxiety and it has helped significantly with my life. I've made friends with some really cool people and I see now that there was never a barrier that could stop me from making friends like I had thought for so many years. I still have regrets about high school; there were a lot of really nice people that I wanted to hang out with but I was too scared to approach them. I try much more now to come out of my shell when I meet someone cool. I've finished my first year of college and still have to deal with a little small town bullshit from those people who bullied me, but I can deal with it now because I know I'm not alone.