What Every Target of Workplace Bullying Needs to Know

Feel Like The Velveteen Rabbit

by DJ

I work in a military field. I used to be a person that many I worked with thought as someone they wanted on their team. Lately, I feel my family would benefit more if I was not in the picture. Nothing I ever did at my old workplace was good enough. I was the topic of conversation, the whisper on every gossip's lips, the subject everyone knew not to discuss when I was present. I was sick everytime I went to work, felt like I had to watch what I said, what I did, who I talked to, and where I was. On the outside my jokes and laugh could not brighten my dark and gloomy thoughts, my feeling of personal defeat, and self-worthlessness knew infinite proportions.

I was told I was a stupid person, a worthless waste of funding that would end up in jail if I did not learn to the ways they wanted me to. My training cell was told if they trained an idiot like me I would be dangerous to be associated with, and that my family was to be treated as I was. The community turning their back on me was bad, and had many negative effects that seriously impacted my life outside the military to this day. I was told I am mentally unfit for certain aspects of the tasks at hand and that I undergo mental re-evaluation by medical professionals.

This was all within a few days of me having a good review that totally angered the higher ups expecting my downfall. The person that wrote my report was transferred, and I was sent to work in another part of the military. I do not understand what it is I do to make some bosses feel this way, but I know it really hurts career development. My evaluation was lost, never found, and the new bosses I have are having to develop all new reports.

The people I used to serve with there sympathized with my situation, seemed surprised I was not at the old workplace, yet when I needed help they were too afraid to help, or were disregarded as unimportant and hearsay. The more I hear about these groups of bullies in the workplace and stories of similar folks in the military, the more I know I am not alone, yet how come I feel like I got screwed?

I feel like it is something that everyone knew something but they remained silent. When they needed help with any project on duty or off duty, be it monetary or work related myself and my family was more then happy to accommodate them. I know they continue to do this cliquey attitude, eat thier own, backstab, spew endless rumours to all who care to hear the latest blogs on everyone on base, and their counterparts do their damnedest to spread the news to every ear within a 100 mile radius.

I do not think it is appropriate that when my family hears how poor or useless the father is at the local supermarket, or that the child you raise may be a nutjob like the crazy parent raising them overheard at a local eatery... When the matter seems to not be an issue is when one or more of these fairweather friends needs something, or it is the good samaritan in me that looks the other way and just has to do their duty and get the job at hand done. Then by the next week or day the same people you help have had some other rumour or garbage on you or your family.

Could it be that all I have done is just been a good person for too long? Should I resort to my previous ways and become something the neighborhood should fear? Should I just cut them all off and treat them in the same disregard I do? If that is the case... what should I do?

I used to be someone quite capable of doing much damage with no care or concern for human life or other. That was what I was trained for, yet in my new line of work I am no longer required to act on my feelings I used to call upon.

I know I am not a stupid idiot, useless piece of human waste, nor am I worthless scum ending up in a prison cell for my actions. I am suffering from skin disorders, can hardly sleep, at odds with my family over all of this, I checked every box when I read Anton Hout's ad for his bully workplace books. I have all of those symptoms, plus, I have severe aggression issues I keep in check at all times.

However, when that switch goes, I go black inside like a TV getting shut off, and I come to either in a bloody mess and broken items all around or in cuffs. I feel either way is not how I want to be nor live. I feel like a coward for not letting the beast out, or having the freedom to say how I feel without having some person looking to better themselves and use me as the scapegoat again. With tied hands, my eyes are now dry, scaly and itchy.... my body aches and is tired at the best of times. I have a hard time trying to remember the simplest tasks at work, and am told at the new place I need to FOCUS - F OFF Cause Ur Stupid.

It has to be something in me that they see when I try to be around these people. I want to get better and I want help, yet I seem to get more problems and doctors that pump me full of zoloft, talk about painful issues in my past, yet cannot help me in the now... Is there anything I can do? Please help I am so confused, upset, and tired I cannot keep up this 10 year old lie. I will remember, but will they remember me?

Comments for Feel Like The Velveteen Rabbit

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by: Trinity

It's criminal that the government/military recruit/train/exploit human minds and souls then turn their back on them when they react normally to abnormal situations and the reactions persist in the 'normal' situations in an inappropriate way, but there lack understanding and proper treatment. I have PTSD like you, though I am a civilian and it took me months to collect the right team, a team that listened and understood or who had an open mind. Because of my work related PTSD I am considered unfit for work of any kind and this is a permanent state of being. I have the nightmares, the homicidal rages and these are lessened by Seroquel and Valium at night. I have the depression, the death wish and these are lessened by the highest dose of Effexor. I have the psychotherapy but that has been ineffective because I am still not in a safe place where I can begin to consolidate, understand and heal. I am going for compensation, for total and permanent disability insurance. I have made my life somewhere else, a better place where nobody knows me and my history and perhaps one day I will begin to pick up the fragments. PTSD doesn't only affect the concious, it re-wires the brain, neurologically the brain becomes damaged by atrophy in some places and an increase/decrease in neuro transmitters that balance the equilibrium. PTSD is not merely psychiatric, it is the sum of severe psychological abuse. By remaining in that environment where you are being bullied for your PTSD you are re-victimising yourself over again. Give yourself a break, call it a 'sebatical', make some changes, accept those changes as you have accepted many changes previously. Civilian life is not so bad, you were not always in the military so connect with some of those things that you did previously. As I am, you are one of life's walking wounded and that is nothing to be ashamed of. Good luck.

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