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Healing Rhythms

Indirect Bullying Then Denied As Paranoia

by AC
(Belfast, Northen Ireland)

I starting dating a man whom at the time seemed perfectly okay. Unbeknown to me this man knew some of my work colleagues and instead of telling me decided to play a horrible game... he gained my trust and confidence then behind my back was laughing at me cruely making fun of me with my work colleagues.

I became suspicious when events and private details started to leak into work when the girls began to indirectly taunt me... I knew it was him immediately as I hadn't told a soul only him. I confronted him with this and instead of owning up he tried to manipulate the situation. In my weakest moment he knew I was vulnerable and exploited it.

He began to create a situation known as gaslighting. This is when someone makes you doubt your memories, your perceptions, what you seen what you heard. He did this soo subtly he made me believe I was losing my mind and he was going to help me. He took away my sense of self, trust in my instincts and I started to rely on him to replace the reality he took away... and all of this to get off with what he did, to protect himself and bullies from my work.

I was taking panic attacks going into work as I was unsure what was happening. I cried to him that I was ill and needed to go to the Dr., he had manipulated me so much into believing I would lose my job if I went to the Dr., then my house and I would then lose everything... although I was being bullied and didn't want to be in my employment I needed my job.

My behaviour became more and more erratic and I was becoming more and more paranoid. I was making all sorts of excuses to my bosses for time off work and illnesses that didn't exist it was awful. I felt as though my life was balancing on a thread. Eventually I broke down as there was no escape my working life and my personal life had been effected by this man. I couldn't get away from it.


I developed insomnia. I was in a heightened state of anxiety constantly. I was so confused that's what he did. I began to see through what he was doing and went to my family but although I knew what happened I couldn't articulate it properly. It was coming out as bits and pieces of a story. My family thought I had a breakdown.

I lost my job. I tried to kill myself because no one believed me. My employment and this man made it out to people I was just mad to cover up what happened. Through research I have realised that I had been suffering PTSD due to the bullying and gaslighting. I am not the same person. My life is ruined. I don't know how to get back to who I was. I don't know how to get rid of the anxiety and paranoia. I can't function the way I used to. I feel soo much pain I cry and cry all the time. I can't cope.

Can anyone help me who have been through this... I feel I didn't get justice and I need to prove I wasn't mad... I get angry that I can't even remember who I was before this happened. Please someone give me advice. I just want my life back. I only want to be the person I was before and can't remember.

Comments for
Indirect Bullying Then Denied As Paranoia

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Gaslighting is the worst!
by: Solange

I am so sorry this happened to you! But you also sound very insightful. I was gaslighted at a job. Its amazing how some people can act like being harmed by you while they are playing this game on you. I had someone do this to me--in order to get my job, of course. Made me look real bad. Unfortunately, I was the only one who could see through it. I ended up giving up a job I loved (so this incompetent person could use me to fool herself and others into looking like she was competent). You gave up your job, too AND you have insight. What a gift! Here's technique I use to help me with feelings of injustice. Its called "Above the Battleground." I will put it in another post...
Above the Battleground
by: Solange

When you recognize that you are in a chaotic situation, put yourself mentally in a space capsule. It can look any way you want it to. Chaos is caused by our thoughts about events and people. We always have the power to change our thoughts. So get in your "space ship" and go into orbit, away from the gravitational pull that holds you into a bad situation. Look down on the players and events. Watch the drama play out. Instead of being sucked into anger, find one small thing to love, appreciate or have gratitude for. Watch that piece, feel it. You are above the battleground. Now, you do have to go back but bring the love with you and extend it to others in the drama as much as you can. See if anything changes. You can go back into space and bring back more love and gratitude anytime you want. You will be so glad that you did. And just remember, the only person who gets hurt by being stuck in other people's drama is you. Let them go. Be above their chaos. Blessings!
It's very common
by: Anonymous

It is VERY common in the workplace. I had to leave my last 4 jobs (the last starting at 98K) because of this. I reported the abuse to my employer immediately, and even other coworkers and witnesses reported the incidents, but I had to sign non-disclosures. I could not take another day of it, so I left...that is the intention. I have endured this type of abuse alot, and I too feel permanently damaged. I went through a psych eval and learned I suffer from betrayal trama - it's where there is a poisoning of trust by someone in a position of authority. The abuse is HARD to prove and the abuser will deny it's happening so don't confront them...they just want to get rid of you...that's how men get rid of women they don't love or employers get rid of employees they don't want, and managers get rid of employees that they feel threatened by.

My mother had made me believe for almost 10 years I had an illness I did not have, and discovered that she had lied to me after my clearance was declined because I reported I had a fictitious illness. I can write a book about this stuff. The psychiatrist who evaluated me believed I was paranoid about my mother, and would not trust that she had gaslighted me.

You have to trust your instincts, and don't look to others for validation. The intention of gaslighting is to get rid of someone...when someone does that just say " are you trying to make me crazy"...Don't argue with them. Just state they are trying to make you crazy and to leave you alone. If they continue to persue contact, don't be nice. I had to do that to my own family and now my clearance is being adjudicated, but can you IMAGINE a young woman having to explain this sort of abuse to a federal investigator. People who do that are low lives, and you need to not be hard on yourself for being gullible.
You are deserving of respect
by: Anonymous

You are an important person. You deserve respect. I want to encourage you. You can choose to be an overcomer. You need to somehow believe that it's possible for you to be whole again. None of us has control over what other people will do or say. We can't even begin to guess what unhealthy motives they have. We can have control over ourselves and our own feelings. We can choose to become healthier by reading, going to support groups, praying, taking small steps in the right direction. No one can take your dignity away from you. God gave it to you; and He says you're loved and wanted. He created you a beautiful individual, unlike anyone else. You are unique. You can be proud of yourself.
Be Bruce Lee
by: Anonymous

Go to Martial arts classes.

1. You will get all your confidence back trust me.
2. KNow what you want in life then go and get it.

3. Start creating boundaries. As soon as someone starts any type of shit that makes you feel uncomfortable or bad tell them straight up and even infront of people " hey, i don't like the way your behaving towards me, stop it"
Outcome - the stop and respect you
- they continue opt1 and you smack them - yes smack them once in the mouth and i swear they will never fuck with u again.
- if they continue opt2 just leave them alone and have nothing to do with them. they will be poisonous and others will see that and despise them, and applaud you for standing up for urself.

4. to do 3 u must be present, now when u feel bad and when u feel good.

5. do things to make you feel good - as much as you can.

6. You are powerful you dnt need anyone in this world - you are all. love urself accept urself.
Yeashua the name of god means "I AM that I AM"

7. Study bruce lee
ME 2
by: Anonymous

This happened to me with an ex boyfriend I had who dated my cousin. He had been causing problems for me and lied to my family . He pretended like he was some psychologist when he was "psycho." They tricked me and put me away and a couple months later I was on the streets no family no home. Noe he had money and seemed nice but what he wanted was to get away with it .I was afraid to , looking back on it now they all look insane and I feel a lot better about myself.YOU MUST TRUST YOURSELF ALWAYS THEY SEEK TO ISOLATE YOU FROM OTHERS SO TELL OTHERS HOW YOUR FEELING WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

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