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Currently: The Most Hated Person In Our Team
by No-Name Girl
I hardly know where to start. I've sunk so low I'm not even sure I can remember a day I have not cried 'til I thought I would die from it. I often wish I would. I work for one of the "best places to work" in Canada and it's all a lie. It's as fake as the shiny sheen they put on their cute and folksey ads. We are a company of expert public relations liars. For the most part - cruel, passive aggressive, cliquey and vicious behaviour is the NORM. Our employee workplace ratings are in free fall - so now we are not going to survey staff every year, only every other (??) year - and we are going to rework the questions.
Most people hide and tell lies (like me) to sound happy and try to stay under the radar. I have seen and continue to see others being bullied - but I'm in such a state of hell it's all I can do to "keep my job" - which means - pay my mortgage.
I have lost my self esteem and most of the fabric of my life around me - I'll be damed if I will loose my home as well.
I have won awards and have always functioned at a high level. I love my job and for about 5 - 7 years I was really good at it. Over the past 3 years that's all changed. Now when ever something is going to change I know - LONG before the "announcement" is made exactly how things will unfold. While others around me benefit - my world is eroded below me and I'm publicly picked on. I've been demoted - I still do the same work (and more of it) we just call it something else. Where I was respected and managed my own projects - now I am expected to do it for somebody else - they take the bow and get the kudos for my work. I don't own my work - I just "co-ordinate" on behalf of the pretty people - the good people, the wonderful people.
I will soon be moved out of my workspace and into a dark corner of a passage to make space for a co-worker (who doesn't want to take my space but is being forced to) while an identical space is going to sit vacant for a year or more ... why? Why not? It's a nice way to add tension to my work life - force me to move (with all the disruption that goes with it) and try to force an unhappy relationship between me an a co-worker who I like and who currently likes me and feels bad about what's going on. Not bad enough though - as she admitted to me just on Friday - I have kids and a mortgage. I have to be "yes man".
I'm going crazy and I'm so depressed. I don't know where to turn. I'm confused and broken and angry. I have not changed. I am still the same person and I work as hard - if not harder. Yet - I am continually set up to fail. My performance plan with my manager is a joke. When I asked for a meeting to discuss - she forced me to listen to her and another manager (also a bully) tell me that I was just too stupid to understand the scope of the work and probably (insinuated this) on the lazy side for not wanting to be the catch all for everything in the team. Why would I pass up the opportunity when I could do everybody's dirty work? Oh lucky, lucky me ...
Everyday new insults. I'm excluded - laughed at - degraded and talked about behind my back - or in "code" and even openly picked on at social functions - which I no longer bother to attend.
Sorry - this is not much of a story - I'm confused and exhausted after yet another long night of sleeplessness - quiet tears and a burning tearing in my chest that feels like lava.
Perhaps next time ...