Feel Like The Velveteen Rabbit
I work in a military field. I used to be a person that many I worked with thought as someone they wanted on their team. Lately, I feel my family would benefit more if I was not in the picture. Nothing I ever did at my old workplace was good enough. I was the topic of conversation, the whisper on every gossip's lips, the subject everyone knew not to discuss when I was present. I was sick everytime I went to work, felt like I had to watch what I said, what I did, who I talked to, and where I was. On the outside my jokes and laugh could not brighten my dark and gloomy thoughts, my feeling of personal defeat, and self-worthlessness knew infinite proportions.
I was told I was a stupid person, a worthless waste of funding that would end up in jail if I did not learn to the ways they wanted me to. My training cell was told if they trained an idiot like me I would be dangerous to be associated with, and that my family was to be treated as I was. The community turning their back on me was bad, and had many negative effects that seriously impacted my life outside the military to this day. I was told I am mentally unfit for certain aspects of the tasks at hand and that I undergo mental re-evaluation by medical professionals.
This was all within a few days of me having a good review that totally angered the higher ups expecting my downfall. The person that wrote my report was transferred, and I was sent to work in another part of the military. I do not understand what it is I do to make some bosses feel this way, but I know it really hurts career development. My evaluation was lost, never found, and the new bosses I have are having to develop all new reports.
The people I used to serve with there sympathized with my situation, seemed surprised I was not at the old workplace, yet when I needed help they were too afraid to help, or were disregarded as unimportant and hearsay. The more I hear about these groups of bullies in the workplace and stories of similar folks in the military, the more I know I am not alone, yet how come I feel like I got screwed?
I feel like it is something that everyone knew something but they remained silent. When they needed help with any project on duty or off duty, be it monetary or work related myself and my family was more then happy to accommodate them. I know they continue to do this cliquey attitude, eat thier own, backstab, spew endless rumours to all who care to hear the latest blogs on everyone on base, and their counterparts do their damnedest to spread the news to every ear within a 100 mile radius.
I do not think it is appropriate that when my family hears how poor or useless the father is at the local supermarket, or that the child you raise may be a nutjob like the crazy parent raising them overheard at a local eatery... When the matter seems to not be an issue is when one or more of these fairweather friends needs something, or it is the good samaritan in me that looks the other way and just has to do their duty and get the job at hand done. Then by the next week or day the same people you help have had some other rumour or garbage on you or your family.
Could it be that all I have done is just been a good person for too long? Should I resort to my previous ways and become something the neighborhood should fear? Should I just cut them all off and treat them in the same disregard I do? If that is the case... what should I do?
I used to be someone quite capable of doing much damage with no care or concern for human life or other. That was what I was trained for, yet in my new line of work I am no longer required to act on my feelings I used to call upon.
I know I am not a stupid idiot, useless piece of human waste, nor am I worthless scum ending up in a prison cell for my actions. I am suffering from skin disorders, can hardly sleep, at odds with my family over all of this, I checked every box when I read Anton Hout's ad for his bully workplace books. I have all of those symptoms, plus, I have severe aggression issues I keep in check at all times.
However, when that switch goes, I go black inside like a TV getting shut off, and I come to either in a bloody mess and broken items all around or in cuffs. I feel either way is not how I want to be nor live. I feel like a coward for not letting the beast out, or having the freedom to say how I feel without having some person looking to better themselves and use me as the scapegoat again. With tied hands, my eyes are now dry, scaly and itchy.... my body aches and is tired at the best of times. I have a hard time trying to remember the simplest tasks at work, and am told at the new place I need to FOCUS - F OFF Cause Ur Stupid.
It has to be something in me that they see when I try to be around these people. I want to get better and I want help, yet I seem to get more problems and doctors that pump me full of zoloft, talk about painful issues in my past, yet cannot help me in the now... Is there anything I can do? Please help I am so confused, upset, and tired I cannot keep up this 10 year old lie. I will remember, but will they remember me?