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Indirect Bullying Then Denied As Paranoia
(Belfast, Northen Ireland)
I starting dating a man whom at the time seemed perfectly okay. Unbeknown to me this man knew some of my work colleagues and instead of telling me decided to play a horrible game... he gained my trust and confidence then behind my back was laughing at me cruely making fun of me with my work colleagues.
I became suspicious when events and private details started to leak into work when the girls began to indirectly taunt me... I knew it was him immediately as I hadn't told a soul only him. I confronted him with this and instead of owning up he tried to manipulate the situation. In my weakest moment he knew I was vulnerable and exploited it.
He began to create a situation known as gaslighting. This is when someone makes you doubt your memories, your perceptions, what you seen what you heard. He did this soo subtly he made me believe I was losing my mind and he was going to help me. He took away my sense of self, trust in my instincts and I started to rely on him to replace the reality he took away... and all of this to get off with what he did, to protect himself and bullies from my work.
I was taking panic attacks going into work as I was unsure what was happening. I cried to him that I was ill and needed to go to the Dr., he had manipulated me so much into believing I would lose my job if I went to the Dr., then my house and I would then lose everything... although I was being bullied and didn't want to be in my employment I needed my job.
My behaviour became more and more erratic and I was becoming more and more paranoid. I was making all sorts of excuses to my bosses for time off work and illnesses that didn't exist it was awful. I felt as though my life was balancing on a thread. Eventually I broke down as there was no escape my working life and my personal life had been effected by this man. I couldn't get away from it.
I developed insomnia. I was in a heightened state of anxiety constantly. I was so confused that's what he did. I began to see through what he was doing and went to my family but although I knew what happened I couldn't articulate it properly. It was coming out as bits and pieces of a story. My family thought I had a breakdown.
I lost my job. I tried to kill myself because no one believed me. My employment and this man made it out to people I was just mad to cover up what happened. Through research I have realised that I had been suffering PTSD due to the bullying and gaslighting. I am not the same person. My life is ruined. I don't know how to get back to who I was. I don't know how to get rid of the anxiety and paranoia. I can't function the way I used to. I feel soo much pain I cry and cry all the time. I can't cope.
Can anyone help me who have been through this... I feel I didn't get justice and I need to prove I wasn't mad... I get angry that I can't even remember who I was before this happened. Please someone give me advice. I just want my life back. I only want to be the person I was before and can't remember.