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Healing Rhythms

Always Getting Bullied

by Liz
(Scotland, UK)

No matter where I go, what employment I get I am always bullied in the organisation. It makes me think what I am doing wrong. I was bullied every single day at the Doctor's sugery. It took the form of a drip drip effect. It started with gossiping behind my back; invading my personal space; blaming me all the time for things that where not my fault; being patronizing to me; Making insulting comments directly to me concerning my mental health conditions; overloading me with too much work and not enough time to complete it. Lying about the quality and quantity of work in a spreadsheet and the Manager e-maiied it to me!!!! Colleagues would report me to the Manager if I done anything that was not classed as perfect; if I was one minute late it was logged while all other colleagues could get away with anything. I was constantly critised and scapegoated, humiliated in meetings; The new Head Receptionist was told to "keep an eye on me" and constantly was breathing down up neck, snapped at and shouted at. If I took my hands away from the keyboard for less than a minutes she would shout at me "get on with your work!!!" while others would be able just to lazy about gossiping.

Now I am doing volunteering at a muesum and most of the volunteers are older than me and one volunteer branded me "Grand-daughter Fodder" and everything I do is because I am young, irresponsible and stupid. There is awfully awkward alarm system and I accidently set it off and ended up in bits because I felt so unless. Everytime I key in the code it says "Code denied" repeatly and it seems to take 6 attempts by that time the secuity procedure starts. The volunteer who does the secuity system reported me to the curator of the museum and the Volunteer Coordinator.

The curator came down but seemed to be really nice to me about it but the volunteer co-ordinator came in to do her shift and said to me "OH a heard about there was 'A Performance' this morning"

I just feel that it is starting to happen again. But this time the only factor I can thing of is my age. I was crying and crying.

People make mistakes all the time and I know that the volunteers make mistakes all the time too but it would be nice to find out what occurs when they make a mistake.

I am a bully magnet.

I cannot cope this it happening to me again while I am volunteering or am I imagining things due to my last experience????

Comments for Always Getting Bullied

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Bully Magent?
by: Anonymous

You didn't say, but I can about figure it out. You may well be a bully magnet if: 1)You are young and pretty 2)You are pretty and intelligent 3)You are intelligent and what is known as a "highly sensitive person" I have observed throughout my rather long life that any/all of those combinations are lethal for a female and she often becomes a bully magnet. Most people are very insecure, and if someone is blessed with talents and qualities they lack, all they know is to bully. If you are also a highly sensitive person, you can't help but react, and they find pleasure in bringing you to tears. But it's not easy to close our eyes and ears and not hear or see what they are doing. A therapist once told me that only 5% of the people are "worth knowing" if we have such a combination. The best we can do is try to stay away from the rotten apples, and seek out the "five percent" of "creme de le creme" of thought, motivation and talent, and stick as close to them as we can as they are "our own kind." They understand. They will support. They will protect. It is a learning process, and it doesn't happen overnight. But trust me, it can be done and life gets infinitely easier once you learn to avoid the sources.

Magnetic
by: Anonymous

I am a bullying magnet as well. I was mystified by the continuous stream of bullies I run into, but the previous comments may well be true, because I am all those things and also competent. The bullying causes nervousness which increases mistakes. I'm seeking solutions or methods to deal with this. Anyone have effective techniques to deal?

Always Getting Bullied
by: Anonymous

I agree that being pretty, competent and talented will bring on bullies. Even at age 50, I am still being bullied where I work, by people who are older, physically unattractive, carry chips on their shoulders and not nearly as competent; several have always held low-paying jobs and had troubled childhoods. But I have also been bullied in an academic environment by people with PH.Ds and upper-status positions, too. It does not matter how nice you are, either; they will always find something about you that they don't like, to build on. A dog that will fetch a bone will carry it; and you must either be able to intimidate the bully back or get them/him/her fired. If neither of these tactics work, then you are SOL. Human Resources and lawyers might help some of you - in my situation, they never have.

The only thing that will keep competent, peaceable employees from being bullied is a highly competent, vigilant, incorruptible management that keeps an active eye out for these bully tactics, recognizes them, sizes the situation up accurately; and fires the instigator(s) immediately. And how many places will most of us encounter that have that kind of management staff in place?

I have researched the topic of workplace bullying now for a number of years; and have concluded that it is a social-biological condition that has carried over from our most primal origins. If you associate or work with people who are wired to use these instincts more often than you yourself do, you will not be able to fit in with them. And they will know it and react in primal ways, much the way threatened or power-starved chimpanzees do.

DONT LET THEM WIN... TAKE CONTROL DONT GIVE IT TO THEM
by: AMANDA

i feel for you soo much.. bullies cant even admit to themselve what they are doing and the mobbing effect you are experiencing i have also experieced it.. its safety in numbers it like bullies love to see you crack ... it destroys your confidence in yourself in your decisisons it makes you hyper aware of what is going on around you then you make mistakes because your full concentration is given to this fear and thats what they create a complete fear of life..you do this subconciously as protection you are watching all the time so if some thing bad happens you are prepared downside, it creates paranoia and sometimes you are reading into things that are not there and your reaction to this also gives people cause for gossip. you canot get out off this bulling pattern alone i suggest you ask your dr about cbt.. cognitive behavioural therapy. good luck keep your chin up... stay positive you are not weak they are..have confidence they are so threatened by you and they feel the need to hurt you because of this.. you must be something special dont let them win... switch off to this do your job ... the more you worry it will be noticed and bullies can smell vunerablity... go girl beat hem... if it all becomes too much dont fight back record .. record .. record... xoxoxoox

Me too!
by: Susan

I too am a bully magnet. But not all work places did it happen to me. Some places that i worked had only kind people there. Not perfect people, but kind and decent types. Keep looking for a place like that. Just keep moving on till you do. I have worked in many places. The bullies never change. It is not you. Keep looking for another job. there are good places. Do not drive yourself crazy, trying to stick it out - they will not stop. You cannot change them. Move on, till you find good people!

Hi there..
by: Susan 2

I don't know what it is about our day and age which encourages so much bullying, but one 'theory' I have (for what it's worth) is that since the Industrial Revolution we seem to have moved away from a working day which revolved mainly around our families and those we loved, to living and working among strangers who we have nothing in common with.
Some people see more of their boss nowadays than they do of their own family.
Sorry, I am not trying to give anyone a history lesson, I am just trying to get to the bottom of why the modern workplace has seemingly become such an abusive environment for so many people.
I am sorry you have experienced so much bullying.
I am also wondering if women are worse than men at bullying, but I don't want to be labelled as sexist.
One solution is to become self-employed in some way, but that is not always easy.
I hope you find a job you can be happy in. Keep looking and good luck.

here I am again one big magnet
by: christine

I am now in my fifties and have spent the last 40 years dealing with being bullied . I am so tired of it , I have just left one job and started another one and here it is again , what is always good is the realisation again thats its not me !!! Other individuals feel it too but i find it all too exhausting as I am a sensitive fun loving person who seems to attract bullies .
I am now really having to think hard about how i look for jobs , if anyone can help with tips to recognise a bully in an interview please please I would like help - I am looking at transactional analysis to explain the role i play as victim amd hoping to find a way to avoid being the victim statein the future without changing me too much

Bad Time in Workplace
by: Anonymous

I too have been bullied over the last three years at two different jobs my current job it started the first day I was employed I had one of my coworkers shove me physically and I have been belittled during meetings and reports that I have written changed to add mistake to them by my boss. I made the mistake of trying to turn in my resignation right before my six month probation was up as I felt something bad was coming and they would not except it and told me they wanted to keep me then the next week extended my probation 90 more days now I am going to turn in my resignation and they said dont worry about it as I have already done that I can just leave anytime. They dont want me to be able to draw unemployment benefits...sorry so long I just had to tell someone. Most of my friends are afraid to talk to me and the few that do dont beleive me they think I am stressed out and crazy..

Bully magnets...
by: 'Sarah'

I must admit to being a bit of a bully 'magnet' myself.
I think once the bullying has started it can be very difficult to stop it. The secret is to learn how to prevent it from happening in the first place. This must involve changing some very fundamental aspect about me, but I am not sure what.
Not all quiet or sensitive people end up getting bullied, but having those characteristics can certainly make it more likely that you will be a target.
Some of us just have a knack for getting 'homed' in on by the wrong people. None of my family, as far as I know, have been through the kind of bullying I have endured over the years.
I keep asking, 'Why me?' 'Why not anyone else in my family?'
In the end you start to feel like a targeted individual. You stop going out, avoid social situations as much as possible. It is how I am nowadays.
I am not terrified of being in amongst a crowd, as some people say they are; but I do feel very apprehensive about it.
If my partner wants us to go to a social event, be it a dinner or dance, I cannot look forward to it at all. I know what might happen. I have become almost fatalistic about it, and I know it is all wrong.
It cannot be normal to feel that way. Surely going out to a dinner and dance is something you are supposed to look forward to - isn't it?
I can't tell him how I feel. He just doesn't understand.
I try to stay home as much as possible, but I wouldn't recommenend it to you as a good piece of advice.
I've attracted abuse just about everywhere, including in a church. If a bullied individual is not safe in The House of God, then where are they safe?
I know you are only young, and I hope that you can find a way out of all this. You don't want to be bullied all your life. It can turn you into a virtual recluse in the end.

Remove bullies from your life
by: Bully Repeller

I was bullied both in work and in school environments. It was very distressing for me and I eventually asked myself: Why is this happening to me? I did research (books and articles) and came up with the conclusion that it wasn't me that was causing the problem - it was the way I reacted. I realised that bullies want attention and will seek out the people they feel will most likely give them that. So, I decided to ignore the behaviour of bullies from then onwards. It was difficult at the beginning but I managed to be civil to these people without giving in to their bully attacks on me.
It was difficult for me at the beginning to simply ignore the attacks but I maintained a minimal reaction response and it proved to be highly effective.
I'm not guaranteeing that this tactic will work for everyone but it has worked for me.

update
by: christine

Hi again
since i first posted a comment a few weeks ago i decided to deal with the issue- i had a meeting with person involved - its definately how i react - so taking a deep breath - i explained how I felt - about not feeling safe - feeling challeneged - and explaining that i find it difficult wokring in this kind of environment - explaining that i am a sensitve person who needs to be trusted to do a task without feeling at anytime someone is going to question me - the repsonse was positive - to be honest - i need to learn to react differenlty to trust my intuition and notice the signs - i know now this wont happen in this job again -
its been a long journey dealing with bullying for over 40 years - its given me insight into how people react - i hope everyone can gain the inner strength to deal with thier situation and as the previous comment said to learn a new way to react

Response to Sept. 12, 2009 Comment
by: Anonymous

I think you have it right! Also, in addition to the issues you mentioned, the problem is that usually the (female) bullies are in higher-level positions and the men just do not and will not get it. If they realized just how financially draining the female bullying is on the companies then they may pay closer attention. That is, may, because these are issues men just do not want to be bothered with. I am the employee who works hard, is sincere and dedicated, and responsible, at work and on time, etc. All the great qualities any employer should want and embrace. However, the bullies always win out and I am the one let go or eventually move to another low-level position because I have never been able to achieve a steady work record because of the female bullying. In my opinion, female bullying is probably the costliest problem in American companies today. Men, wakeup!!! If a female appears to be competent, but does not have a steady work record, she would likely be very competent and make a great employee, but probably has just been a victim of female bullying.

Worn out by years of bullying
by: Anonymous

I was bullied badly at school and have a poor relationship with my family. It has left me vulnerable and seriously depressed; I will be on anti depressants for good, a few doctors have told me this. In adult life I have had to leave various college courses and jobs as a result of bullying, and I have also been ostracised by some of my in-laws. I keep asking what I do wrong and without anyone ever supporting me over this I lose confidence and therefore this makes it happen again. I give up

I hear you!
by: Pretty intellectual

I have been a target for female bullies all my life, including the first female I ever encountered, my mother. She favoured other girls over me from a very young age and took great pleasure in comparing them to me, leaving me looking second best. Sadly, that was my mother's pathology and always will be. The tension between us hit boiling point when I was 37 and she would occasionally be asked what it was like to have a 'late baby' and did I get on with the much older siblings. When was I going to start university. What a bright pretty girl I was! When I was 22 I was mistaken for a 14 year old. When I was 32 I was ask for proof of age before I was served a drink. Largely, she set me up to be shy, sensitive and to have a low self-esteem. Even though I permanently distanced myself from her at age 41 (I am now 46), I forgive her because she is sick. I just don't want to ever see her again.

Throughout high school Hell was always around the corner. Why? Because I lived in a redneck town where the combination of pretty, smart, inventive, sporty and bright was a crime. Oh, and my exotic name. It was too much for the other girls and God help me if I had a boyfriend. It could have been Harry High Pants for all they cared. Someone liked me and they would have nothing of it.

Now I am alone. It is safer for me emotionally. I am on disability for sever PTSD. I have never been married and I have no kids. Now I have a new hostility to contend with.

I am not successful in the stereotypical sense of the word. If I am not on welfare, I am in low paid labouring jobs. In nearly every job I have had I have been bullied on every level.

Now at 46, having had my life all to myself, I never mention my age or marital status unless asked. I never get invited to group outings if the husbands are going to be there. I don't have to flaunt myself. I just have something.

Oh I could go on but I think the general idea has been put out there. Now I can go back to enjoying my brittle charm in solitude with a good book in a bubble bath.

Bullies like me
by: Susan

I have been bullied all of my life. I was a very shy, nervous child, I was called names, kicked, spit on, pushed etc. This caused me to have 'social anxiety' for years. I felt sick in public until my early 20's. I was bullied in several workplaces, blamed for situations, told "You're not in charge, we don't talk to you", people were threatened they'd be fired, if they spoke to me. One woman challenged me in the printing room, made faces and sat in my chair. Another place, I was asked "Why are you here, you're white, you can do better, are you stupid". I was pushed at that job, and another worker was sexually assaulted and I had to confront him. They were well known to do this to others as well. I'm volunteering now, and someone is complaining about me writing in the wrong places, not to allow a friend of mine to meet me there, no affection, not even a hug, even though we hug the cats. I was told "Volunteers don't need to know any more than the basics". I want to learn more, and feel offended. I think because of the experiences they encountered, their minds aren't working right, they are almost crazy. Another woman walked behind me and watched what I was doing, and smirked. I don't want to give her the time of day, when she's one of the instigators. They told me "We don't think you know what you're doing". How insulting is that. I like some people there, in which I see each week, and I love working with the animals. It seems this nonsense happens at places I enjoy working at or volunteering. When people bully or hurt you in any way, they affect you emotionally, spiritually, financially, physically etc. Shame on them. Being in charge does not mean being forceful, shouting and making you feel like you're a prisoner. You're happier when others are happy around you. Don't let them destroy you. Bullies should be fired.

I have also been a bully magnet
by: Anonymous

Dear Liz,

I was also bullied all my life. I do believe it is a combination of being young beautiful and attractive bust sometimes it is just a question of having values. Other times it is just a bully that picks on you first and the rest follow. At first, I was petrified as this kept happening over and over. Eventually, I got so fed up that I got angry inside. Then, one day one my bullies, who was a guy who had tried to date me and I rejected, called me to scream at me. I lost it and screamed back F*** and leave me alone. Then, i told his friend whose phone was he was using to leave me alone too. Then, whenever I would see them I would give them an angry detached stare. They completely backed off. See I decided that I did not care if I died, but I would fight to death with the next jerk who tried to bully me. Since then, no one has bullied me and honestly I pity the next asshole who will try. I know you are scared because bullies work in big groups. But never forget they are all sick even if they are a majority. Eventually, you will get angry enough to fight back and just ignore them. I find a combination of both works. You cant fight back excessively because they like that. You can corner them and whisper: `listen dickwas you keep messing me and I will dedicate my life to destroying yours. I will leave but I will never forget you. I will wait my whole damn life for the one chance I can destru yours. And I'm going to enjoy it.' It might sound extreme but these people are animals. They dont respond to human decency.

I know it will be a long ride but you will survive. And you know what? You are lucky not to be them. Honestly I feel truly and profoundly sorry for them. Cause you can get away from them. But they are stuck with themselves.

Be blessed and know that I have been there over and over again. Dont lose faith though. Even though there are a lot of looser bullies out there, there are a lot of good people too.

Bully Magnet
by: Anonymous

I feel you so much. The worst thing is these people get together and then usually everyone around them supports them too. It is hard to deal because you feel all alone in a sea of people.

This site helped me a lot http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm

It made me realise that this was not my problem. Then, I stayed close to a few kind people and they helped restore my faith in humanity.

You are not alone and you will survive.

Bullied by female neighbors
by: Anonymous

Hi, I am up late because my mind has not been able to shut off. I am currently being bullied by a ex friend. I became friends with this woman and her husband. But they were possisive and took the peace and privacy away from my life. I started to distance myself - a year ago. Well now it's a year layer and I am now harassed by the ex friend and a group of couples that take turns harassing me. I just changed my cell phone next will be my e mail. There is always a invitation tI get together which I nicely declIned. Do now I have to deal with Invite after invite on and on. The last couPle I ignored then they get nasty. Where r u hiding? Did ur husband bury u in the backyard. They know I don't want to hang out with them - so they enjoy it. I am depressed and so anxious. They won't leave me alone. It is so hard to be a stay at home mom isolated. I hope I find a way out of this. They want a relation but I show none. I am holdin it on I would liove to yell but they would loooive it!!

I Thought I Had It Beat
by: Harry Cohan

I am overdrawn on my time, but called in sick because I knew I would just cry at my desk. A bonafide bully has caught up with me at the Department of Labor. My parents and husband are dead and I have strained relations with my siblings because they refused to help with my father when I moved in his house after my husband's death. When a spouse commits suicide, the surviving spouse has it bad, due to guilt. Dad went downhill fast, required constant attention and financial help, but my siblings wouldn't help. Poor Dad died, I stayed in his house a little longer (though my sibs wanted me OUT pronto) and we moved on, but my relationships with my sibs have never been the same. I got a job and found myself bullied. There was one guy who was off the charts with his behavior. He actually shot a rubber band at my co-worker and put a welt on her arm. He flew into rages and threw stuff. There were other bullies, and shortly after one of them screamed-full-force-at a kid, the kid jumped off a 4 story building in view of my workplace. That bully resigned shortly after this incident. There was another one to take her place, however, and this time I was the target. This woman would talk to me like I was dirt; tell me I was going to get fired; and finally screamed at me, at length, in the bathroom. When I told my boss about it, she screamed at me, too. I told my boss I wanted to talk to HR. HR informed me that this woman "never yelled." I felt like saying: "Well, you should have been in the conference room with her this morning." The screamer and the HR person were buddies. I was odd man out. I could go on for a few more paragraphs, but the details just don't matter. I was fired. I got a job at the Department of Labor. There is a mix of people from all over the world at my Division of the Department. Many are hyper-sensitive about issues of political correctness. I sat near a woman from Africa who got upset with me when I came in one morning and didn't say good morning. She berated me. I reacted. She reported me to the boss. She had told me: "In Africa, we always say 'good morning,' or something to that effect." I was feeling bruised about being scolded for not giving her the proper salutation and said "We're not in Africa." I caught hell, from my boss, for that. People need to examine how a multi-national mix can lead to all kinds of misunderstandings, and how different allegiances to PC can do the same. I got through that incident. I was bullied in cycles, but usually the bullies targeted other people as well, and there was pushback. One bully, in particular, changed his behavior and finally left. Lately, however, I've had to deal with the "triple-header" of bullying scenarios: An ex-friend who has seniority, lies, and yells. She berated me in a meeting with three of my co-workers looking on. They all agreed I was bullied. No one's doing anything about it.I feel alone, defenseless, and unlovable. I just want to die.

Thank you
by: Liz

Thank you so much for your comments of support. I dont feel so alone. However it is sad that so many people seem not to be allowed to get on with their work without someone harassing them. I think I might sign up for a free email series on how to copy with anixety and stress after workplace bullying. I hope to rebulid my life and not get or be affect by bullying again. Hopefully.

Bullying
by: Anonymous

I am dealing with bullying as a highly sensitive male. What helps me cope best is taking care of myself spiritually, creatively, personally etc. One expert on high sensitivity anne oxford talks about how maslows theory is reversed where sensitive people first need to meet their need of transcendance versus basic material needs for most people. I think this is true for me and maybe many other people that get bullied. Putting our own growth and I am thinking spiritually first can help us resolve or make those issues unimportant. this is a work in progress for me. food for thought I suppose.

another perspective
by: Anonymous

Hi
I have been bullied a couple of times which is why I looked at your page.

This story reminds me of a someone I know who complains about the way she is treated at work.

She's a nice person, but very incompetent. She's often late, lazy, doesn't listen and lacks initiative. She can't follow systems and cannot be relied upon. She's just not very smart. Harsh and horrible to say, but some people aren't clever. Luckily, she's very pretty and knows it, and she uses her body to get what she wants.

Unfortunately she's also very ambitious and thinks she should have it all - a diabolical combo.

Sorry if my comments sound hurtful - I'm not a troll, but I think it needs to be said that there are some people out there who are not good at their jobs, and others get annoyed and lack patience with them.

bully magnet
by: catherine

I was bullied at secondary school because I developed earlier than most of the other girls. I was pinched, pushed & spat on by these filthy creatures.I had to tolerate name calling & threats, sexual harrassment in my teens, & in my first job when I was 16, my boss, who was a total arsehole to all his employees took a particular dislike to me. He loved to call me into the office & critisise my work, & verbally abuse me, calling me an idle slut amongst other things. I can`t say that Iv`e been bullied in every job that Iv`e had thank god, but enough to feel that people are mostly rotten. I don`t have a problem much nowadays now that I`m past 50. I`m sure it had something to do with my looks, & jealousy on the part of the female bullies, because although I wasn`t that attractive the people who bullied me were usually ugly.

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